Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Better off dead


I have been putting off having a much needed garage sale for a couple of weeks now, because truthfully they fill me with dread. It is so annoying to be haggled down by misers who show up an hour before the posted time, rifling through your stuff, trying to buy while you are still setting up, and ultimately nickel-and-diming you over brand new things you are selling at twenty percent of their original value. I resent the fact that it regresses me back to middle-school behaviors, like eye-rolling. Frankly, I find it depressing.

And if that weren't bad enough, now I've come to understand that among the many compulsive, odd, and ill-socialized sorts who frequent the neighborhood flea markets are folks like this:

(on Craigslist)

If you are having an estate sale you'd better be dead!! (Towards The Light!)

Date: 2008-05-06, 8:58AM PDT

Otherwise it's a yard sale...or a garage sale...or an apartment sale...house sale...or even an alley sale...if that's where it's taking place...but if it's an estate sale...that means you are NO LONGER of this earth...hence..you have an estate ( read...items owned by the deceased!!! ) If you are having an estate and moving sale...you should be moving to the great beyond! I'm tired of misrepresented sales...List honestly!!


Or what, exactly, does he propose to do about it? Send the proprietors Towards the Light? Does that not sound like a New Age cult to you? And is it actually possible to run a sale from The Great Beyond? If I die, do I still actually own my junk? I was under the impression that we leave our earthly possessions behind, but I am positively thrilled to know that I will be kickin' it* old school, King Tut style!! Thanks, you total freak, you have given me hope.

Still, here's an idea, Buddy, hunt down a copy of The Chicago Manual of Style. Three dots are not connectors; they indicate an omission. They cause us to read between the lines. So unless you want us to think that what you aren't saying is some sort of homocidal rant or that you are inviting us to a game of MadLibs, LEARN TO USE ELLIPSES PROPERLY. Because misrepresentation is misrepresentation.

Anyway, I confess I have no garage.

(* 'it' being The Bucket.)

5 comments:

minijonb said...

i am a habitual ellipsis abuser... not that there's anything wrong with that.

=:-)

Huckleberry said...

Do not knock the ellipses...
They are the best way I have to convey the awkward, unspoken nonverbal twitches (spasms? palsy?) that ensure doom to any hopes for my renown as an orator.
Take that away, and people might begin to think I know what in hell I'm doing.
That'd just be unfair...

kissyface said...

minijonb - I went to your site and lo, there it was, the first post title contained the three dots, as did the ensuing text. Yet I can find nothing wrong with your usage, so why apologize?

Huck - as for you, Mister, seeing as how they represent things unsaid, what argument can I have with you? None. So why you defending yourself too, Homie?

Bythe way, I think you know what you're doing, but maybe you just don't know why you're doing it. Ha-ha.

McGone said...

Good Lord, I am the biggest abuser of ellipsis, and comma splices, (see?) but I figure it's all part of the balance because I do not use "LOL" and I refuse to succumb to the dumbed down Internet English of non-words like "prolly."

steve said...

"No garage"...thats great!
"Store not up thy treasures on Earth which Moth and Rust do corrupt"